Janhvi Kapoor says she was living an idealistic and fictional life when Sridevi was alive; says after her death, 'I realised how damaged I was'

Bollywood actress Janhvi Kapoor revealed her vulnerable side in the most emotionally open conversation she has ever had at We The Women, the flagship festival curated by journalist Barkha Dutt. At the forum’s sixth edition, held on the ground in Jaipur and live-streamed on the digital platform Mojo Story, Janhvi Kapoor spoke candidly about coping with the loss of her mother Sridevi, seeking validation from the audience, and dealing with hurtful comments about her privilege. The conversation took an especially emotional turn as she spoke about Sridevi’s death and how she turned to work as a distraction. "I don't think I coped with it for a very long time. I don't think I went about it in the way I should have gone about it…. When we had her my life was completely different and when we lost her, I was bang in the middle of the shoot of my first film. It was almost as if the life I was leading before her death was an idealistic and fictional life… It was during COVID when I was forced to spend time with myself that I realised how damaged I was. I was almost like a zombie.. on a hamster wheel doing things I didn't even need to do, in a race that I didn't need to be in with myself and seeking the company of people that I didn't really even want in my life just to fill a void”, she said, choking up. She told Barkha Dutt of “the strange guilt” she felt in the aftermath of her mother’s death. “When I lost Mom, of course, it was this huge tragedy and a hole in my heart but there was this horrible feeling that because of my privilege and being told my entire life that I have got things so easy .. there was this weird guilt that I deserve this horrible horrible thing that's happened to me… This feeling was such a weird thing to process as a young girl,” the actor said. Janhvi said that she later realised that seeking validation from her audience after her mother’s death was displaced grief. "I think the validation and approval that I sought from my mother, I started seeking that from them.. Not everyone in the world is going to love you like they are your mother." When Barkha Dutt asked Janhvi Kapoor what she remembers when she closes her eyes and thinks of her mother, she said, “I just remember her calling me Ladoo. Every time I am on set and I am in front of the camera. I feel like in front of the camera is the closest I'll ever be to her [my mother]. That’s why it's such a sacred space for me.’” On the work front, Janhvi Kapoor will next star in Bawaal and Mr and Mrs. Mahi. ALSO READ: Rana Naidu: Janhvi Kapoor helping Rana Daggubati kidnap a man raises suspicion, watch

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